Where is home? This is a question I’ve been asking myself a lot since my Dad died three months ago. I’ve spent time in four states, in about as many months and, even though I live in Los Angeles, I’ve spent a total of three of the last seven months here. I’ve also spent a lot of time in other people’s homes, having given up my own apartment last year.
What now? Also a question I’ve been asking myself a lot over the last three months. I spent more time in Pittsburgh this year then I have since I left home and moved to Washington, DC over 20 years ago. And while it was comforting to grieve my Dad in my home town and be able to spend so much time with my mom, I was pretty clear that I didn’t see myself living there or moving back there. I’ve come to appreciate my hometown in many ways spending so much time there and I’m proud to hail from Pittsburgh, but it doesn’t feel like my home anymore. Minneapolis, where my brother and his family live is a great place to visit but also didn’t feel like home to me. Then there is Chicago, which is my adopted hometown, full of wonderful friends, memories and love. My time there was immensely comforting and the energy of the city and being around such close friends felt like a warm blanket of love wrapped around me. I felt so supported and it was just the healing I needed as I started to make my way back to California.
I landed in Los Angeles and it didn’t quite feel like home. If felt strangely familiar. But I felt so disconnected to the city I’ve lived in for almost five years. It was a little unsettling and while I’m clear I don’t want to make a lot of major life decisions at the moment, I did find myself questioning if it was a good idea to come back so soon…or if at all. One of my pieces of luggage decided to not make the trip, so it would seem even my belongings were wondering where to go. Thankfully it showed up the next day.
I spent a total of 48 hours in LA then left for some much-needed R & R up in Ojai, which I really needed after the last few months. The energy up there is restorative and peaceful and I always feel so at home when I am there, I’ve often contemplated if that might be a future home at some point. Although I am more drawn to the water then the mountains.
Now I’m back and settling back in to LA. Living in a new part of town, getting used to driving again after not driving for over three months, learning my way around from point A to B from my new location and settling back into a life that has forever been altered. Feeling a little out-of-place and asking questions like What’s next? Where should I be? Where is home? As though I’ve been waiting for the answer to miraculously come to me or some sign to tell me where to be.
Then, the answer came, clear as a bell…Home is where you say it is. Yes! Home is where I choose to be. And LA, I choose you.
I’m living on the West side and the vibe and energy is completely different and it suits me I’m starting to reemerge and reconnect with old friends and connect with new people. Having new experiences, making new discoveries, learning what feels right for me and being intentional about what I think and shifting my thoughts when something is out of alignment, as I’ve learned along that way, that what where we put our focus and energy is what we shall manifest and create more of.
I’m back, but it’s not a continuation of the past…it’s a whole new opportunity to create from nothing. To create from here and now. I am not the same person who left LA months ago. I’ve lost so much and quite honestly I have nothing left to lose, so I might as well create a fucking amazing life. What an inspiring way to honor my Dad and honor his legacy. And I can still be the little girl grieving the loss of my Daddy while being the powerful woman my Dad encouraged me to be. They are not separate from each other. I can still be sad and joyful. Angry and happy. And I’m learning that allowing myself to experience the sadness and not resist it allows space for joy. Being open and vulnerable has been crucial. If I shut down and numb myself out, I’m screwed because the energy gets blocked and stuck. Breathing…very critical, it helps to shift the energy and helps me remember I’m alive and feel the life force running through me.
I think the most important thing I discovered in asking where is home?, is that we are always home when we are at home with ourselves. Being authentic, honoring our truth, creating our life vs. being at the effect of circumstances outside of our control. When we can truly be at home and at peace with ourselves, our zip code or address is insignificant.